


Seventeen Oneshot Compilation

by mshey17



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Gen, Jeon Wonwoo - Freeform, Seventeen - Freeform, Wonwoo - Freeform, Yoon Jeonghan - Freeform, lee seokmin - Freeform, seokhan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2020-10-21 05:40:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20688407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mshey17/pseuds/mshey17
Summary: A Compilation of Seventeen x Reader AU Oneshots.





	1. Pinwheel

**PINWHEEL**

  
I saw him. And it felt like I couldn’t get to him.  
  
He stood far away from me. I was walking towards him, but each step closer gets heavier and harder to make. And I’m still a couple of meters away that his figure looked so small in my eyes.

  
It used to be me. I used to wait for him that way—standing in that same, exact place. It’s our place.

  
I swallowed a lump that’s slowly starting to build in my throat. The tears that ain’t coming yet, I let the cold breeze dry the for a moment. I looked at him from far away, refused to take another step and I realized, if I get there to him, everything would change.  
  
I didn’t realize that the moment I waited for the longest time would be the same moment I dreaded to come.  
  
  
  
Lee Seokmin, my dearest best friend, the greatest love of my life.  
  
_ “Come on, we’re running late!” I was still fixing my shoelaces as Seokmin passed by me. I was trying my best to hurry, but we’d be having our exams today and I wasn’t in the best mood. _

_ Seokmin and I grew together as playmates, and never outgrew each other even in high school. Living beside each other made this happen. Being neighbors with Seokmin gave me a colorful childhood and fond memories as we grew older. _

_  
Sitting by the small stairs in our house’s front gate, I sighed as I tied my shoelaces. I just finished with my left shoe, when suddenly, I found Seokmin kneeling in front of me and gently pulling my right foot towards him. I didn’t notice he walked back to me. _

_  
I was always, always amazed by all the simple things he did for me. _

_  
“We need to hurry, but you have to tie these well because we’ll be running to school.” He then started lacing them carefully. His simple gesture rendered me speechless. He looked up to me and smiled with his eyes crinkling. It remained a wonder to me how his eyes shone like that. “Ah, you’re nervous again for the exams?” He lightly shook his head in disapproval. “No need to worry, I’ll let you copy my answers—I just can’t guarantee you a perfect score.” _

_  
That made me laugh. He could say just about anything and I’d laugh. He was my eternal happiness and I knew that. I had always known that. _

_  
He stood up and dusted his pants. “Let’s go! Either we pass or fail the exams together, okay?” He assured me and took my hand tugging me to run with him. He was a liar, I failed most exams and he passed all of them. He was always competing with another girl in our class but kept being second to her. _

_  
It was always a heart-fluttering moment whenever he held my hand. He’d always done it naturally without hesitation. He’d always held my hands as if he were born to do it. _

  
  
Ah, these memories. How I wish I could relive them and memorize every detail of them. The memory faded behind my mind as I tried to focus on that small figure ahead of me. I must looked weird walking this slow. I noticed a girl sitting by the bench looking and watching me carefully. 

  
I breathed in deeply. I didn’t want to draw much attention and to make people feel uncomfortable. I still couldn’t figure out how he stood there waiting for me. It was me in that place for years. It was me who had been waiting for him. 

  
The wind blew. I could make out his hair being blown by it. 

  
_  
““Ahhh! The wind feels nice!” Seokmin stretched his arms and enjoyed the rush movement of air. I smiled to myself while watching him. It felt cold but he thought it was nice, so I had to endure the cold wind. _

_  
He caught me staring at him—it should be normal, but somehow, I found myself averting my gaze. I waited for him to speak but he didn’t. _

_  
I was curious that I had to peek at him only to catch him staring at me. “W-why?” I asked. _

  
_“You’re allowed so stare, I hope I’m allowed too.” Then he gave me that heart-stopping, knee-weakening smile._

  
I was brought back to reality as I realized his figure from afar was slowly getting more visible. He’s here. Here’s really, really here. And my heart aches so much for him.

  
Then he saw me. I still couldn’t make out his eyes, his nose, his lips from the distance. But I knew then, he was looking at me. My heart stopped.

  
I almost couldn’t breathe.

  
_ Suddenly, I was reminded of the moment during our school dance. My dad didn’t want me to be escorted to the hall by just anyone—he wanted to do it himself. I turned down Seokmin’s invitation to go to school together, but my dad assured me it’s okay to dance with him all night, or with any other boys. He just wanted to drive his little girl to school. _

_  
As I silently entered the hall, it was like the spotlight in my world only pointed to his direction. I saw him there, standing with a glass colored drink in his hand. _

_  
It took a good few seconds before he finally spotted me in the crowd, but the moment felt out of this world. It was amazing, it was marvous. He shone like the stars. The moment felt an ignition to never-ending sparks. _

_  
We danced all night. We had one of the best nights of our lives spent with friends, but centered to each other. Somehow, my eyes kept finding him. And his eyes kept finding mine from the distance, even when he danced with a girl or two from our class. _

  
  
He faced me. His body finally turned to me and I had no choice but to lift my foot and take more steps towards him.

  
I can finally see his facial features. He gave me a small smile. It felt forced. It felt sad.

  
I couldn’t smile back or the tears would fall and I wouldn’t have the strength to hold them back. I had to be real. I had to build my courage to close the distance.

I continued walking, every breath was harder to take.

_ Seokmin and I were walking one afternoon after our classes.It was one of those days after our school dance where the air between us seemed palpable. There used to be no awkwardness between us but something changed, but we couldn’t figure it out yet. _

_ We walked in silence that was less comfortable than usual. I was too busy overthinking--did I do something wrong? Did I forget something important--his birthday? No. Did I say something he didn’t like? Or maybe he just had a bad day today? But he could tell me, he would tell me, right? I lightly shook my head but I just couldn’t help myself. _

_ I was looking down while walking, trying to figure out what went wrong. Or if there was really something wrong or I was really just overthinking the situation when suddenly-- _

_ “Ya--!” Seokmin softly blurted and grabbed by arm which jolted me back to reality. I looked up only to realize the traffic light was still stop. I didn’t know I was about to cross the street with the green light still on for the traffic. _

_ I scolded myself internally but all I could feel was his hand by my arm. And the warmth when he didn’t let go of it even if I already stopped walking. I was about to make a light joke on my stupidity when I felt his hand from my arm slowly slid down to my hand. My world stopped. _

_ Everything stopped. I couldn’t even move when a girl bumped into me and walked ahead of us. I didn’t even do anything even if I was already aware we were standing in the way of the other people. _

_ My heart skipped a couple of beats--that was how it felt. We stood there looking ahead of us but I was there, I couldn’t look at him, I wasn’t conscious of anything but his hand. _

_ His hand slowly grasped mine. It was fluttering. It was electrifying. It was intense. It was memorable. I couldn’t move that time even if it was time to cross the street. _

_We stood there with his hand holding mine while the people around us moved busily. _

_ Everything was in slow motion. And all I was aware of was him and the warmth of his hand… and how I wanted this to last forever. _

  


I couldn’t look at him so I kept my head down while I continued walking towards him. I couldn’t count the remaining steps until I saw the head of his feet in my line of vision. 

Then I remember it all.

  


_ It flashed through my eyes like a treasured memory. Finally, I was able to retrieve it. But it was the most painful memory. That day when he told me he prepared something for me. _

_ That day when we were here, standing on the same spot, when I thought finally we were going to confess our true feelings for each other. That same day when all the pinwheels moved and the fresh air caressed our faces. _

_ That day when he told me he was going to leave. _

_ That day when he told me to wait for him in this place. He told me one day he’d surprise me that he’d be here when I visited this place. _

_ That day when he told me he wasn’t ready to face his own feelings yet but I was important to him and as I recalled his exact words, I remember him tearing up more than I did while he said, “I’d like to hold your hand again when we meet.” _

_ He never returned. Every special day, I visited this place. This small park where only few people go to and walk by, where in this corner there were lots of pinwheels. I had seen them being replaced through the years. I kept my promise, I waited for him. I visited this place whenever I could, and I would always be standing in this spot looking around, hoping maybe he’d be somewhere near me. He never was. _

_ I waited through the seasons in a year. But he never came. _

He was finally here and I should feel happy, delighted and ecstatic and I’m anything but.

  


Slowly I looked up at him. His features have matured but that only made him look better than before. Age had done him well. Seeing him this way gave me an assurance that at least, he had been fine and good all along. And I was somehow, really, truly glad to know that.

I couldn’t help but smile a little but I had to fake it and smile bigger so I could hide the tears better.

He did the same and I knew then his eyes were just as teary as mine. Years had gone by but it still felt like I knew him best.

He finally opened his arms and welcomed me in them. I gladly went towards him and embraced him. 

I lived in that moment. I breathed that moment. I loved for that moment.

  


Before, he told me “Don’t forget to remember me when I leave, okay?”

Now he said, “It’s been a while, I hope you remembered me well when I was away.”

Before, he told me, “Keep your shoelaces tied, keep them tight for safety, okay?”

Now he said, “It’s nice to know you learned to tie your shoes well.”

Before, he told me “I’d like to hold your hand again when we meet.”

Now he was embracing me.

Finally, after a while, we pulled apart. He smile slowly faded, he just looked me directly in the eyes as if trying to remember how I looked like the last time we were here, or trying to memorize how I looked now.

My smile slowly faded too.

Before I could think of anything else, he finally took my hand and I felt the same exact feeling when he held my hand when we were about to cross the street.

And before I could feel anything else, he put something in my hand.

I slowly took it. Read it. And took it in.

My world crashed before my eyes.

“I hope you’d come. I want you to be there.” That’s all I could hear and everything faded after those words. 

I couldn’t remember how we said goodbye, how he told me about this girl, how he told me about his life when he was away. I couldn’t take anything else in anymore.

All I could remember was how I was left again in the same spot while watching Seokmin walk away from my life.

I looked around, breathed in deeply, watched the pinwheels move.

I realized he kept his promise to hold my hand when we meet after all. He kept it when he handed me his wedding invitation.

He was walking away from me the way he did before--only with another girl this time. She was there sitting on the bench I just passed by earlier.

She was there. Just like in our lives, she’d always been there--the top in our class Seokmin kept competing with, the other girl he danced with during that school dance, the girl who bumped into me when Seokmin held my hand by the stoplight, I guess I was just always on the other end, waiting and constantly there but never the one.

I was never the one.

I wiped the tears away from my eyes. I’d still be waiting for him, maybe in the next lifetime. But in this lifetime, I’d always be waiting for him as if somehow I was made and born to wait for him.


	2. Daylight

I saw him every day, every morning, at the same time, in the same place, and that’s how it all started. That’s how I finally saw the daylight.

My life was easy, very routinely, always predictable. Somehow, one could use the word boring to describe me and I wouldn’t oppose it. That was just how my life was—simple.

There were times, rare times, I craved excitement. But that never lasted for long. I just wanted to be. I just wanted to exist. It didn’t matter how, for as long as I know, I was alive.

I existed for myself and my day always started with never snoozing my alarm. I always got up on time, showered for thirty minutes, put on the same make-up for ten minutes, fixed my hair neatly, and finally left for work just in time to walk for twenty minutes to the office.

I was never late. I was never too early. I was always just on time. If I missed a minute, then my life wouldn’t be so routinely.

I did this all. Everyday. Predictable. Organized. But well. I lived well.

Everything’s the same, all simple yet fun, until a new routine came. And it was a person.

He was a stranger. With navy slacks, sleek white long sleeves, leather belt and shoes, he became familiar. Those same shirt, those same shoes, and that same look in his eyes. His blonde hair looked the same until today. It became my favorite color.

And it had been three months. Over a million people in the city, and there were twenty-four hours in a day, and it was in this place, in this time, in this lifetime, that we got to see each other every day.

I always wanted to say hi. He looked at me in the same way I did--as if he had something to say. But I always backed out because I didn’t want to creep him out. I was just a stranger to him just as he was to me. Although we always meet in this place, we were no one to each other. I didn’t want to risk it--going out of my routine. He was a stranger, he was going to stay that way.

Day 60: I saw him again today. 

I was not really feeling well. My eyes were puffy because of my colds and my throat was really dry. I wasn’t really looking my usual self. So instead of looking at him just like usual, I tried my best to avoid his gaze. I didn’t want him to see me this way. I felt ugly.

Day 61: My fever finally kicked in.

I didn’t see him today. I report to work and had to rest. Damn.

Day 62: I saw him again.

And the thought that he wouldn’t even know how I was yesterday… it’s a bit funny yet sad at the same time.

I realized that I had a life outside of him. That I had problems with work, I was struggling in reaching my dreams, I had lapses with my friends. And as long as he remained a stranger, he would be voided of those problems. And he was a constant--the only good constant. 

Day 75: I didn’t see him today.

Maybe he was earlier or later than usual today. It was weird not to see him but I knew that this was inevitable. It’s normal, in fact. Who gets attached to a complete stranger, whom I haven’t even talked to?

Later that day, not seeing him, I should have known it was a bad luck. It felt like I was floating in the office, as if my soul was just outside of my body. A project I had been waiting to lead was given to someone else. A position in the company I was aiming for considered another candidate. And these were the most important personal things that were ripped off me on the same day that I didn’t see him. 

I kept telling myself that he was just a stranger. A part of my mornings. But he was no one. 

Life had to go on.

Day 76: I didn’t see him again. I was still down and still struggling not to shed tears at the office because of all the news yesterday.

Day 77. Still didn’t see him.

Day 78. He still wasn’t around. Did I already lose the chance of actually saying hi to him?

Day 79: End of the week and still no sight of him. Weird though, it felt like I was getting used to this. It felt like a new chapter of my life. There were so many let-downs, but I had to live. It felt empowering. It felt like it made me stronger. 

And he was still a stranger. I was going through a lot in my life and he remained a stranger. It felt like he was never going to be a part of it.

And yet the weirdest thing was it felt like I wish he was a part of it. Of my life. I wish I knew him.

The weekend went by, and I was not conscious anymore of the time I left for work. I just wanted to get there, without looking forward to seeing a stranger, and trying to catch the right timing. I was done with that. He was a stranger and I was not going to let him take part in my life.

But the universe seemed to have left a surprise for me.

Not caring about the time made me late for work. I was walking fast, passing by everyone in front of me because I still had to catch the time somehow. If I would be late, I couldn’t be too late.

I was trying to pass by a group of people in front of me because they were walking too slow and I was in rush. I did just that.

And my world stopped. When I was on the side, he was there. Right in front of me. 

I didn’t know until then that literally, a world could stop. My heart beat fast. My palms felt sweaty. And I looked at him. And he looked at me. We started at each other for full three seconds. 

But I had to rush to my office.

And he was just a stranger. He didn’t know what I’d been through in the past week. 

Should I smile? I couldn’t. Should I at least acknowledge him? I couldn’t.

He was just a stranger.

So looked down. And continued walking. I passed by him as my world just didn’t stop. As if seeing him after a hell week didn’t matter. 

But all I wanted to do was hug him tightly. Because he was a sign that everything would go back to normal. He was a part of my routine. So everything would be okay.

Indeed, everything went better than okay.

I was offered a position higher than what I was originally aiming for. I didn’t care now that I didn’t get the project and position I wanted. But there was a catch. I would be transferred to a different location.

I saw him again after that day. Everyday. Consistent. Same place, same time, same look in his eyes. His perfect blonde hair and his sleek white long-sleeved shirt. The small curve of his lips when he saw me. I would always remember that. But never did he realize, I was already counting our days. 

We were close to the end. The day would come that I wouldn’t see him anymore because I would be leaving soon. Different country, different time zones, different everything. And this time, he wouldn’t be a part of it. Knowing I’d be leaving, I was even more convinced that I shouldn’t get to know him. I would be okay that we stayed strangers. That would be for the better.

But deep down, I was hoping, maybe, just maybe, we’d see each other in a different place, in a different time, before I leave. I just wanted it to be a sign that he was a real person out of the same street we always meet. That both of us had lives outside that place and time, and that maybe, just maybe, we could exist somewhere else. More than strangers. Maybe friends, maybe more.

Five days before I leave. All my bags were packed. But I still went to report to my work until Friday. I saw him, well-aware that it’d be five days until he wouldn’t see me anymore.

Four days. He looked my way. And I was tempted to say hi. But I didn’t.

Three days. I tried to look anywhere else but his face. Just a hint of where he could be working. An ID or a nameplate. There was none. He was still a stranger to me until today.

Two days. Was I really going to let this slide? Just let him pass by me when all I could ever think about is getting at least his name?

One day. Last day. Yes, I was going to let it slide.

There went the last time I saw him. It was still somehow uplifting thinking that there he was, existing somewhere else while I was here, looking at a new city, taking new, unfamiliar streets. Our time zones are different now. He’d continue living his life. I’d continue mine. I hoped he’d be okay. I hoped one day I’d visit home and chance upon seeing him. And it would be magical how we were strangers but still recognized each other.

Maybe someday.

  
  


_ It was the last time I saw her. It’s been weeks, and yes, there were times I missed seeing her a few times but only because I was off duty and when I went overseas for my therapies.  _

_ How could I even say hello to her when I literally couldn’t speak? I couldn’t hear things well too and all I could do is look at her and tell her I wanted to get to know her with my eyes. And it was nearly impossible when in a week, I could only see her for five days, in those five days, I could only look at her for five or eight seconds. Fifteen if I saw her from faraway. But there was just not enough time. _

_ Imagine living twenty years of my life, only for an eight seconds to matter more than anything else. _

_ How could I even tell her, “Hello, my name is Jeonghan. Nice to meet you,” when I didn’t see her anymore? _

_ It would take more than eight seconds to explain to her I’m mute. I wouldn’t even hear her voice well. But now that I looked back, I had more than eight seconds collectively in a span of three months of consistently seeing her in the same place, at the same time, every day. _

_ I wish I could have taken each eight seconds to at least let her know that I had grown to like her just by the way she walks, the way the air brushes through her hair, he soft red lips, her messy hair when it’s windy, and her usual black office attire. I wish I smiled more at her instead of waiting for her to smile at me. _

_ I wondered what she did for work, and why I always saw her at eight in the morning. I didn’t even get the chance to show her where I work, a coffee place called “Harmony Cafe”, a friendly place for deaf people like me. Would she like it? Making coffee was a craft for me and I loved it. _

_ There were times when I felt that she’d been through something and I wished we already knew each other for me to check on her. But there were times she avoided my gaze and it always haunted me. I always wondered if she was okay those times. It was so hard to just be a stranger. _

_ It was time for me to go overseas again and have my therapy. Am I hoping for my hearing to get better? Yes but I doubt it would happen soon. But I would still continue going abroad for it so I could improve connecting with people. I would also like it very much if I could speak again.  _

_ Just a chance that maybe I’d see her again and I’d have the courage to say hello. _

It was him. I saw him today. In a different place, in a different time, in a different set of clothes even. 

The sun had just set and it was a bit dim in the streets now. The street lights were on and I was at the end of the bridge on my way to the apartment where I stayed. I knew that blonde hair. It was my favorite color.

_ I saw her. It was her at the other end of the bridge. We were in a different place, but still she looked the same and God, I missed her face.  _

We walked to each other, each step felt heavy but my heart was filled with excitement. How was he here? Why was he here? I saw that look of recognition in his eyes. It was amazing, almost magical, that it felt like his eyes could speak.

_ Courage. I needed courage. I could say hi in my own language, in sign language.  _

This was it. I could finally say hello. Before I was counting the days and minutes, now I was counting steps. Three, two, one…

“Hi.” I said. He just stared at me.

_ I just stared at her. Dumb-founded by the movement of her lips. I read what she said. But I wanted to take in any changes since the last time I saw her. I thought she cut her hair. Maybe a little tanned as well, given the change of weather in this country.  _

I smiled to myself and offered him my hand, something I’d never done before. “It’s nice seeing you again… but here.”

_ I smiled back. And told her “Hello” in sign language. She was about to put down her hand, but I took it. I felt her soft, delicate hand in mine. She continued smiling at me. I continued smiling at her. And it was the start of something. A daylight in the dark, I could say. _

I didn’t want to look at anyone else now that I saw him. Again.


	3. My Vintage Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Taeyeon's Wine.  
And a tribute to all doctors who are working very hard to fight COVID-19. Please take care, everyone.

“Yes, I love you.”  
“But you’re not going to choose me.” I finished it for him. His eyes never left mine, traced with tears he tried to hard to keep from falling.  
“No,” he said. I already saw this coming but it didn’t hurt any less. I wish I could run away from this moment but I wanted to stay until he left. I wanted to hold this moment in my hands because I knew this would be the last, I wanted to keep it in my memories for as long as I could even if it meant goodbye. “I’m not choosing you.”

It felt like someone took my heart straight out of my chest, and here I was hoping he’d fix it but as I expected, he’d break it even more. But joke’s on me, I handed him my heart.

That was the last time I saw him.

“Just go visit a doctor. It might not just be a flu. You’ve had it for days.” A colleague advised me. It was typical of me to just drink water and vitamins because I hated relying on meds and who had the energy and time to go to a hospital? Not me.  
“I’ll probably do that tomorrow if my temp’s still high.” I told her.  
“Yeah, you better do just that.” She mockingly said. We both knew I should do it now.  
“Tomorrow.” I said then we both hung up after catching up on work. I missed three days of work because I wasn’t feeling well lately. Cough and colds, and a really bad headache. I guessed I was fatigued. I tend to work too much but because my job demanded it. 

I slept all day but I was feeling a lot heavier at night. I woke up with a high fever and I knew I had to drive myself to the hospital. Drove 20 miles per hour just to ensure I could get to the nearest hospital safely. Made it, but I really felt like dying. Walked myself to the emergency room and blacked out.

Yay me.

I could barely remember anything from that entrance to the emergency room. But the sunlight coming from the windows woke me up. So I was alive then. 

Someone touched my forehead and measured my temperature, “Hmm… Your temperature’s better now.” That voice. His hands felt cold on my forehead. I wouldn’t recognize how his skin felt in mine if he didn’t speak. But now that he did, his touch felt familiar.

I looked up to him. I wasn’t sure if I missed him but I was sure I didn’t want to see him. Not at this circumstance. Not when I was weak. Not when I couldn’t run away from him. Definitely not the same way when I first met him.

“You still don’t know how to take care of yourself.” He started writing something on my records that was with him. He mumbled this but it was loud enough for me to hear. 

I looked away from him. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him after all these years. And I didn’t like the way he was speaking, it was as if all those years did not pass at all. I missed him a lot before, he broke my heart then, but I didn’t feel that way now. 

“You just need to stay until tonight, we’ll monitor your temperature and do a bit more tests then you’ll be discharged once cleared.” He said, then the room was silent. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t feel like I could talk to him. What did I have to say? Should I pretend like nothing happened five years ago? Because seeing him now, I was only reminded of that night when he left.  
“Ahh, so we’re not on speaking terms yet.” He said. “Right, I understand.” He pulled a chair beside the bed and sat down comfortably. I wish I had that nerve. I still couldn’t look at him. I might cry. “Well, I have time. I’m off-duty right now.” 

I didn’t need to know that. 

“I came back three months ago.” He started. “It’s so good to be back.” Silence. A heartbeat or two. And another two. He sighed, “I was surprised to see your name on the list of patients rushed in last night.”

Silence. I was reminded of the first time I met him. I also had fever. He attended to me. Took care of me. That’s how we became friends. And more. 

“I was surprised to see it was you. The other doctor and the nurses did well. I was attending to another patient last night and was scheduled for my rounds, so I only got to visit you this morning after my duty.” He added. “But it seems that they’ve covered everything already.” He flipped through my records again. Maybe I was out longer than I thought.  
“Stop it.” Finally, I found my voice. 

Silence. 

“I just… I know it’s weird and uncomfortable, and… Well, I missed you. I missed familiar faces. All the doctors here are new, everyone I knew then don’t work here anymore. The new residents are young, even the patients who come in and out, I don’t know them anymore.” He was gone for five years and everything, and everyone changed. 

Almost eighth of the population moved to the city, some of the older generation died due to the virus that spread rapidly, half got infected and had to be treated on larger hospitals, and most didn’t come back anymore. 

I came back. I got infected. But he didn’t know that. Because he left. Although the main reason why he left was because he was needed at another place with a lot of infected patients. It took years before the virus was completely gone, and a vaccine was finally available. 

Even me, I thought I was going to die. But it surely felt like dying being sick for a long time. It felt like dying not knowing exactly what virus hit us. 

He was gone to save others. He wasn’t there to save me. He did his job. It was just a bit tragic that I got sick with the same virus he was trying to treat the other people from. 

“Your hair really looks good on you.” He suddenly said, bringing me out of my trance. I did change my hair. It felt like I needed something to change when I recovered from the virus. It really took a toll on me after Wonwoo left. And I wanted less of anything that would remind me of him. And he always loved my long hair. 

“Why did you come back?” I found myself asking. 

He looked at me as if he didn’t see that question coming. Then his look softened. As if understanding me, still being patient with me, just like the old times. “This is home.”  
It felt like he was telling me I was his home. But I shouldn’t think that. What we had was gone the moment he left. The moment he knew he wasn’t going to choose me. While I understood why he had to leave, I still wished he didn’t have to.

He made it clear he wasn’t coming back and I was left to believe that. I lived my life knowing he would never come back. But he was here, flesh and alive, right before me. I didn’t know how and what to make of that.

I mean what do you do when the person you loved the most left, lived your life without him, and he comes back like this… more beautiful than ever? More successful? More built? It felt like I didn’t want him here but I also wanted to ask, just ask for once, how he had been in the last five years.

He stood up, “Well, I need to get some sleep. You too, you need more rest and then a nurse will check on you in about…” He looked at his watch, “an hour.” 

He looked at me again, and I wanted to cry and hug him. Just ensure this was real, and I wasn’t dreaming. Or just… wish I’d wake up from this dream at the same time.

“I wish you didn’t leave.” I found myself saying, it stopped both of us. God damn it, I shouldn’t have asked. “I--I’m sorry. Forget I said it.”

“Me too, I wish I didn’t leave.” He said, took a step closer to the bed, and squeezed my hand. “I had to, you know that..” 

“I know. But look how things have changed. Everything has changed.” I looked at our hands. Mine still looked tiny embraced by his.

“I’m here now…” He squeezed my hand again.

I looked at him, tried to read his eyes. “But I’m not… I’m not ‘there’ anymore.” 

I finally knew why it was confusing. Because I used to love him more than anything and anyone else, but now I don’t feel anything anymore and I’m trying to see if I still do, but there’s nothing. I was aware that I didn’t have any feelings for him anymore, but I knew I had those feelings for him. But I couldn’t remember it now.

And it was weird, confusing as hell, to used to feel for him and not feel anything now.

When he left, I spent days at my place crying. I wasn’t ready to face the world without him by my side. But life had to go on. I spent nights at the same place where I drown myself in a bottle of wine all by myself. Every night. 

It’s where I met Minghao. He loved wine too. He was an artist. And he was a world different from Wonwoo. His movements were not calculated. His time for me wasn’t limited. He was free. I wanted freedom. He gave me time. He gave me what Wonwoo couldn’t have. 

It was always his job that went between us. He was always out there to save the people. His job demanded that. He wanted that. I loved him. And I couldn’t stop him from doing just that. Yet it all still hurt. When there are instances where he had to make a choice, and he didn’t choose me. That broke me.  
“He gets to spend my birthdays with me. He gets to come to my book launches. He gets to drink wine with me.” I said. Those things I desperately wanted with Wonwoo, Minghao came through.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you.” Wonwoo knew. All our days together, we spent near the hospital because he needed to be there. Our date nights, his birthdays, I was always willing to give him that. Because I loved him. While I never stopped choosing him, he stopped choosing me.

“That’s okay. Somehow, I accepted that when we were together. I loved us then. I loved the little times we had. I loved our moments.” I smiled a little, a memory of us just eating at the hospital pantree for an hour just so we can spend time together on his birthday.

“It was when I left that ended us. I couldn’t choose you.”

“I… I hated that you had to leave and risk your health, put yourself out there. I was worried. Who was going to look after you. You’re not invincible from the virus. You’re a doctor but you’re a human too. I hated that you care a lot about others but you… you couldn’t think of yourself.” I admitted. Finally. “You not choosing me that time broke my heart, but you, you not choosing yourself, ended me.”

“Stop it.” He said.

“What was the point of enduring all those short times I get to spend with you when you’re just going out there to sacrifice just to save a few?” I asked, and finally remembered it all. The pain. “I got infected, you know.”

He looked at me, surprised. Lost for words. 

“I got through it.” I shrugged my shoulders, stating the obvious. “Those were the times I wish you had stayed… with me.”

“God, I’m sorry.” He removed his hand from mine. I felt the guilt, the regret, the shame. 

“It’s okay now.” I clasped my hands. “When I got sick, I finally understood why you had to go out there. Because what would other people do without a doctor like you? You’re a hero, you know?” 

Silence. I hear him silently sob. My eyes got teary. I felt his regret. I felt his pain. Those five years must have taken a toll on him too. It must have been exhausting. The world around us was so big. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about what we had. It was more than that.

“It’s okay now.” I tapped his forearm. “We’re okay now. Those five years we’ve lost without each other made us who we are now.”

“I wasn’t. I’m not.” He said. “Like you, I met a girl, she was a daughter of my patient. I couldn’t save her mother. In the end, I couldn’t save her too.” 

That hit hard. “She was one of the last patients before the vaccine came around. It was all timing. I hated how we couldn’t hold time in our hands.” 

“Wonwoo…”

“And now I look at you, and I wasn’t the one who saved you too… it’s… all..” He bit his lower lip. Eyes full of regret. “It’s all regretful. I left to try to save people, but I left you instead and couldn’t save you. I also couldn’t save her.”

“I’m glad she met you, you’re a great doctor. Really the best one I’ve met.” I comforted him. But I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he fell in love with someone else. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that.

I wasn’t even prepared to fall in love with someone else when I did for Minghao.

He adjusted his glasses. “I really wish I didn’t leave.” He said. Silence.

I wasn’t sure why he wished that. I guessed it wasn’t for me. I was guessing he could have stayed to avoid all the things he had to go through in those five years. It still wasn’t for me in the end.

Suddenly, I finally felt the pang in my heart that was missing earlier.  
I was brought back to the times of knowing I would always be his second choice. Suddenly, it hurt again. 

“I’ll check on you later before you get discharged, okay?” He said in a rush and left the room.

It was my turn to cry. What didn’t seem to hurt me earlier finally hit me hard now.

Those nights I spent at the Artist Room drinking wine, only thinking about Wonwoo… I remember them all clearly. Minghao owned the place. It was natural for him to notice me. He wasn’t always there though. He used to travel to different parts of the world to exhibit his art. His art even became part of big names in the fashion industry. He used to attend fashion weeks, he used to exhibit his art in New York, in big popular places. 

He happened to go home once, and we met. We connected. I saw him as a good friend, but we both knew we’d be more than that. He knew a lot about wines. Drinking wine because of a broken heart was lost to me then. It became an excuse to spend time with Minghao.

I remember why I’d fallen for him. He saved me. He was an artist, he was dark inside but he brought light to my life. He was bright, brighter than the sun. He made me happy. 

He was there when I got infected by the virus. He was there by my side. He never left and stood by me. He made me what it should feel like to be chosen.

I fell asleep thinking about Minghao. I woke up crying. 

Something inside me waited for Wonwoo before I left the hospital. He told me he’d visit me before I got discharged but then he wasn’t there. I tried to wait for another thirty minutes, but I had to leave.

I knew he’d get busy again. Why did I even hope he’d see me as he said? All our plans before when we were together didn’t go as planned. We always rescheduled until we finally cancelled plans all together and just randomly eat at a park or the hospital’s garden or pantry. 

I went to the Artist Room, ordered two glasses of wine, and sat at a table near the glass wall facing the streets. I watched people pass by. 

I took a sip, I loved how the taste of wine felt vintage to my tongue. 

I knew I just got discharged from the hospital and shouldn’t be drinking, but wine helped me get over the rough times, and remember the good times.

“This was his place.” Wonwoo sat across the table. “I missed you at the hospital. I’m sorry I had to attend to--”

“That’s okay.” Because that’s always how it was. 

“I’m still sorry.” He took the glass of wine and took a sip. “I’m also sorry that you lost him.”

“Me too. I’m sorry you lost her.”

The universe separated Wonwoo and me, made us fall in love with different people, only to take them away from us. When I got infected by the virus, Minghao never left my side. Minghao travelled most of the time, and he was asymptomatic but he was the carrier who infected me. I got checked when he was in Italy. He rushed to come home to me when I tested positive. He took care of me. Until his body weakened and suddenly showed signs of being infected. 

It was a blur. Until we laid his body to rest, for me it was still blurry. Those were the hardest times for me.

The virus took the people I loved.

And still, somehow, I had to live. 

“I couldn’t tell you much about him. I don’t want to cry anymore.” I told Wonwoo.

“That’s okay. I’ll be here for a long time.” Wonwoo took my hand. “I want to know the person behind the books you’ve written in those five years we lost.” 

I wrote to Minghao, I dedicated my books to him. But he knew about Wonwoo. And he knew I couldn’t tell much about Wonwoo to him because it was the same, I didn’t want to cry anymore that time. 

“Wonwoo… they were all about you.” And that’s how Minghao knew about Wonwoo. As an artist, he loved my work. He’s always supported me. That’s why I wrote Minghao’s name in my books in the dedication part.

Wonwoo looked at me. All those feelings I’d lost somewhere came back. All at once. 

It was always Wonwoo. It would always be him.


End file.
